Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
