...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
