someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
