dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
