Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
