He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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