dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
