how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
