i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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