He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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