Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
