If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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