Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
