a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
