Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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