It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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