My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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