Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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