I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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