watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
