Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
