how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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