I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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