She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
