Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
