I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
as a side note pls kill me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
