so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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