Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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