My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
