I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
