hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
