shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
