Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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