Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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