He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
