it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
