we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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