Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
