I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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