we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
