i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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