As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
