Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
