He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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