Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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