You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
