I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
