Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
