i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i've created a new STD.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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