Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
