why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
