It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
