This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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