Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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