make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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