I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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