Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
