so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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