peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
