I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
