dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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