I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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